Mom...

Here she is, Mom, with a smile, a sausage roll (check out the bangs) and her Bentley's Bawbar & More, Islamorada, Florida t-shirt. I laugh when I think of that little sausage roll. My sister and I did her hair for the viewing after she died. Well it was hard, her hair never cooperated well in life, why would it for her final appearance, but Wendy and I were able to get the little sausage roll to make its final appearance.

My aunt in pink, with mom, had come up for part of the day with two of her children, well young adult and adult children. It was a belated gathering for Christmas (early January), impromptu due to a lovely break in the weather.

Family was always important to mom, she loved completely and utterly unconditionally. I am just not so sure if she knew how much she was the glue to the different personalities within our family.


Mom was the sounding board who would listen patiently, give advice with or without solicitation... that's what mom's do, but mostly she would just love and talk me through my own throughts at times. She was my biggest cheerleader and greatest fan.

I miss Mom a lot, but I know in that fact, I am not alone. Anyone who knew Mom and loved her, is missing her now. One life leaves such a huge hole.

a Molly moment...

I had a 'Molly moment'. I love the movie "Molly"... see here (and I don't care what the other reviewer says, it was a good movie). In it Molly believes that you need to be honest and just scream.

Tonight was my turn. I utterly lost it. Too many calls from Grandma, too many 'sob' stories from my sister, too much pressure... the pressure release valuve ...my mouth, opened and closed 4 times and a lovely scream... nearly high pitched enough to be a shreak. Too bad I hadn't come into contact with this portion of me sooner, I could have been a screamer for some scary movie in Hollywood. I think I missed my calling. It wasn't until the neighbor lady who has 4 unruley kids came outside looking to see if the scream came from one of her children, did I pull back into reality and my responsible mode. I went right outside to tell her it was me, not her children and yes, I was "okay" (however, you'd like to define that, living, breathing works for now).

I love my family. I like my job. I just hate my life at the present.

I will survive, I will go on, He hasn't taken me home yet, so there must be something for me to do here, aside from feeling like I'm going insane.


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too much silence
from a heart that lay oceans away
too many unanswered calls
from a phone that rings on the otherside of the world
too many questions, concerns and worries
not enough faith or trust
lots of love, but is it enough?

seni seviyorum

Empty!

The unit is empty, save for some sweeping that needs done, not just really, just want to besure I get my deposit back. Funny how once decisions are made others try to superimpose their decision or call to a judgement of sorts upon what decisions were made.

Crying in public isn't really my cup of tea, but it happens, so I'll deal with it... and so will the others. I nearly did it again today when the guys from the auction house picked up the organ and the hutch and then nearly again at the Kum & Go afterwards.

Now the next step is to just figure out the litter of mom's stuff that floats around the house. For me the wonder is will my sister find the time or should I say make time or will my house be litter for a few more months. My own house is driving me nuts due to the 'litter' of boxes and totes and then just my normal clutter stuff.

The end...

...of the storage unit is nearly here!

The storage unit that we rented for mom's stuff is nearly cleared out and I am thankful. It's been many long, hard hours, some drudging through poinent memories that bring grief to the surface, some moments that brought exquisite anger, raging feelings of missing mom and even some thoughts of "mom, I wanna kill ya, but you're already dead". All that is left "in the unit" is the electric organ and a hutch, both apparently hard to find homes for.

Please don't mistake the unit being cleared out as to having all of mom's stuff sorted out and gone through. Oh, NO... there's still boxes and plastic totes that litter the house, mosty paper and pictures, but still new homes need found or new manners of expression for these memories. Maybe we should ship it all to my brother in California! Naaaa.... what fun would that be. Besides, he'll get his own box for him and his son of all kinds of things interesting and tell-tale!!!!!!!

Mom on her 59th birthday, March 17, 2006.

I try not to think or hope too hard on the fact that I wish for life to calm down a bit more. My 84 year old Grandma has been having a hard time of her own, she's fallen down (thankfully nothing broken), can't leave without help (no car now, she sold it in late June) and is lonely. So much does my heart go out to her, it has to be rough, loosing 2 of your 3 children and the 3rd one, not visiting much or basically having much at all to do with you. Makes me furious, but alas, there is nothing I can do about it. I try, I write my aunt, try talking to her in emails, but no response.

When it comes to Grammy, I can choose (and do choose always) to love her, no matter how much she drives me nuts at times (read often).

To me that's family. You love them to with your whole heart, even during the moments you wish you could just throw them (or jump yourself) into a hole or perhaps staple, hot glue or duct tape their mouths shut and run away.

Esther's rose... a shining example of God's love.

God's Word says He won't give us any more than we can bear (when it comes to trials, tribulations, and the like). I believe it. I also believe He likes to take us the edge, where there's a "one last straw" before we break. I believe also it is for growth (a very good thing) and not to break our spirit, although lately it feels like I'm broken. God loves us... God loves you and God loves me and He never will harm us. I just forget to look at my Source of strength a lot, especially in the past 3.5 months.

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love has left a silence that speaks but from the heart
where nothing can over come it,
not life, not death, nor dark,
love a fondness of memory,
tears not silently shed
love
break the silence,
quiet the ache
love
a strong and fragile offering
my love