First Anniversary

One year ago today, I said 'I do' to my beloved husband.  It's been a roller coaster year on many fronts. 

I remember being so nervous I wanted to run.  I didn't and I said I do and I will.  Forever, I will until the end of my days I will.  I will love him for always.  In good times and in bad, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health...  Kevin is my beloved, my compliment, my "other half" and my lover.

Happy 1st Anniversary my dear heart husband! I love you!

Painful times

I think I was violated and exploited at the gas pumps today! Thankfully, I didn't need a full tank of gas at $3.39 per gallon and that was the cheap place, it's $3.45 at most of the stations around town. I can't believe how bad the prices have gotten.

Still I am thankful, for a good job to pay for my gas needs and a car that decent on gas, even around town! It's the little things... count your blessings!

Tax time... and the little things

Well that was painful, had my taxes prepared! The gal who did them was wonderful, but it was stressful and painful on the wallet to have them done. Guess that's what I get for having many complexities and challenges this year. Well, it's done and over and now we wait, will they be accepted by the Federal and state governments? When will I get my refunds? Will it be as prepared? Like I said numerous challenges!

The upside to today... it was bright and sunny, not too cold and I received my knitting needle holder in the mail when I got home!!! So beautiful! Ahhh...the little things in life

Life moves on..

Amazing, wow! How can I summarize the past over 2 years?

Bought out
Worried out
Moved out
Kalamazoooooo

Never just window shop for a new car
Silver Dodge Caliber
Satellite radio
Wahoooo

131
I-94
I-80 and I-35
and back again...
Wheels turning even when I'm sleeping

Great Lake!!! Beautiful!!!!
Ahhh... toes in the sand
Sea shells
Driftwood

2 gold bands
I will
I do
He's still in Iowa
and me in Kalamazoo

Depression moments
Laughter
Joy
Sorrow

Still trying to...
Meet new friends
Find that Church to call home
Learn to love this new life, this new place.

Life moves on....

...but there's always Hamlet!!

Hard to believe it's been over a year since I have made my way here to post thoughts, for perhaps no one, but me. Time has passed fairly uneventfully.

My cat, Hamlet, is still fat and sassy! Well, not just sassy, plain goofy! I still think he's the best thing that I've chosen to do, my adopting him. He's very much a 'cog', cat who thinks they are a dog. I don't take nearly as many pictures of him as I used to, but here he is being my "box kitty". In case you forgot. Oh, but who could forget that sweet face?!


I've been thinking on Mom lately. I miss her some days more than others, but I miss her every day. Thankfully, the grief isn't as harsh, nor as deep. Even so, I miss her. My Great-Aunt (Auntie) Mae once said about her mother, that she missed her every day. Auntie Mae said this 30+ years after her mom had died, so at least I know that it's normal to miss your mom at nearly 38 years old.

Another reason Mom's so in my head is that a few weeks ago she got some interesting mail at my house. She was summoned for jury duty starting November 4th, exactly 2.5 years to the day she went to her Heavenly home. All I could really do was laugh, couldn't they just cross the hall or go up a flight of stairs in the clerk of courts office to the records department and find out she was deceased. Nope.

Hamlet!

Where for art thou Hamlet? Where for art thou my sweet cat?
Oh, I seeth thee upon my keys and upon my 'windows' pane.

My computer has been Hamlet-ized, thus preventing much of my online activities. It's annoying, but he sure is cute!

A Year Passes... time moves on.

It is so hard to believe that Mom has been gone for just over a year now. So hard to believe. It feels like it's been just days and many, many years all at the same time.

I took the day off of work Friday, May 4th, the first anniversary of her death. My sister and I then took a road trip. It was a rainy and foggy day Friday, not much fun for driving really, but it didn't matter. Wendy and I were together and we took Mom with us.

Mom was not only with us in heart as she always is, her ashes were in the cremation jewelry that I got us both and we took the rest of mom's cremains with us on the trip. It was a blast. Mom is oddly quiet, she didn't ask to stop at any of the Casey's convenience stores we went by. Mom didn't even comment on how the view of her old home town looked and the cemetary where our family is buried.

Wendy and I went to put flowers and crosses on the graves of some relatives, a bit early for Memorial Day, but it was a day of rememberance. It was amazing, in a sad way, how in the old township cemetery where our Grandpa and many other relatives are buried that the keepers of it have stripped it of many of it's trees and a lot of the bushes and shrubs that were there for many years. It looked nearly naked!!!

I miss my mom still so very greatly. I know I will always miss her. God had gotten me through with great friends and "family" and with the hope of one day being with her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ich liebe dich, mutti!

Hamlet

My cat is so funny! Before I got him, he had, had a broken leg. He still favors it at times. He hops on 3 legs or limps on the one that had been broken. Then there are times when I see him hopping on 3 legs in front of me, but when I am out of eye shot, he starts walking normal! Or how about those times when he is doing his laps around the house and on the walls!!!! Goofy cat.


And a few words from my curious Hamlet...

122=144444444444+++++++++++++++947777777777777

...as he inspects my desk and stands on the keyboard. Actually he said more than that, but "mommy' decided to edit otherwise this page would be very wide due to his words. Just imagine a lot more fours, pluses and sevens. Hamlet seemed to like those the best.


Please bare with me, I'm a new 'mommy', so I have lots of pictures to share!!! He's been such a joy to have. I believe it when they say pets are good for a persons well being and health!!! He's done a lot for me already and it's only been 8 days since I've been his.

the 3 pics above he is laying and or sleeping on mommy's lap

More Snow??!!!!!

Well, after not even a week from the last snow and ice storm, we are being hit again with even more snow!!!! As of the 6 PM news my hometown had gotten 12 inches that's approximately 30.5 cm of cold white stuff ...and it's still coming down!!! We are in the 12-16 inch 'zone' for amount of snow fall before this system moves on and stops.

I am thankful that it's not as much as the east coast. Still, it is more than we've had for quite a while. At least there is the old saying about the month of March... in like a lion, out like a lamb! Woo hoo!!!

The pictures below are from the last weather system we got, 24 Feb 07. I'll post more pictures later after I get out tomorrow in day light to take some. Just think 12-16 inches more on top of what's shown, what a joy to live in Iowa!!!

A view from the front deck.



A view of the back door and steps.



A neighbors backyard.

Snow is beautiful... but one can tire of easily and very quickly.

I'm a Mommy!!!!

Meet Hamlet.

I adopted him yesterday, Tuesday February 27th from the local Humane Society. We aren't yet fully aquainted, but I have learned lots of things already about my Hamlet.

He is great at hiding!!! He found a spot under my kitchen cabinets where the toe boards are missing. Thank God for his long white whiskers that luminated in the light of a flashlight!!!! After extracting him from there before his visit to the vet, he found the spot to the left only he couldn't be seen. This picture was taken after I had removed some items I had stored there.

He is a snuggler!! Just what I was hoping for. After the "nurse" (vet tech) got the initial information from me, then left, and before the vet came in, he was snuggling up to me and into me. He had forgiven me for various hiding place extraction techniques.

He is vary curious!! Of course!! New home! New owner! New everything! Lots of exploration!!!!!!

He likes to play!!

He has the cutest face!!! The area where his whisker come out is very prominant!!







He likes his mommy!!!! Or at least to sleep in my spot on the couch!!










I just can't hardly believe how much I love this cat when I've only had him but a mere 30-something hours. I think it started in the Humane Society shelter last Friday, he picked me and I became his. He's not mine, I am his and I am thankful that I am.

2007

I'm a little late, but to all who may read I hope your New Year is the best and most blessed ever, Happy 2007.

Months gone by

Wow, hard to believe that it has been so long since I've been here, but it has been a busy few months since I last left my thoughts on this portion of cyber space.

Late September, my sister and I had a hard decision to make. Grandma moved in to a local nursing home/care facility.

October's spare time was spent cleaning out Grandma's apartment and getting all the paperwork and things shuffled for the payment of the home. Paper work didn't stop due to the months end, there's still the on going necessity, but it's slowed some, which is good.

October also brought my brother and my nephew from California for a visit. Oh, it was so awesome to finally meet my nephew, Anthony II. It was so very wonderful. I just fell in love with him all over again. You know that sense when you know you have a nephew, although you never met him, you love him, meeting him, just solidified it so much. Anthony II is sooooooo much like his dad was when we were growing up... creative, curious, entertaining... although to ask me when his dad and I were young, I'd have just said he was a pain in the butt brother. That's my handsome nephew, Anthony Lee II pictured here.

Thanksgiving was a hard walk, first one with out Mom. My sissy and I had brunch at the local 'Villiage Inn' and then I met up with a great friend. Her and I watched movies and just chilled with a pizza. I held "it" together until my brother and his family called. Ended up crying on Thanksgiving after all.

Early December brought my "63rd"... I mean my 36th birthday. Again, another first without Mom. It was tough. Grandma, my sister and I went out for dinner at 'Culvers'. Love Grandma dearly, however, not sure she's going out with us again for a while. Not everyone at 'Culvers' is "stupid". Middle of December brought my nephew's 10th birthday, sorry Anthony II, it came just a couple days late. It walso brought Grandma's 85th birthday. My sister and I brought cake and ice cream in and ate with her. It went well and good.

Christmas hasn't been the best of times. No decorations this year, I'm holding a boycott. Another first without Mom. I'm tired of these "firsts without Mom." I miss her so badly. I am glad that the major holidays are over. Now it's just biding time until her birtday on March 17th and Mother's day in May.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you, Mom, I miss you and hate that life has to go on without your presence and your tangible touch and love.

Cyclones lost, but by no means am I going to be ashamed of the darn good game that they played. :o)

Fall Fest ... Iowa State vs Iowa ... Mom

Today is Fall Fest here in my hometown. I am not feeling to festive, may not go, besides there's a game I'd rather spend time with friends and watch...

Today is the ever rival Iowa State vs. Iowa. I hope you have no wonders who I am cheering for. Cheering is always more fun when you have a friend who is on the opposite side cheering for the oponent.


I miss mom so very much, life is overwhelming most days. The okay days are still very few and far between. It's hard to imagine she's been dead for 4 months and 12 days today. There are still so many things to deal with on all levels.

Currently, the "humourous" one is that mom gets more junk mail at my house than I do. She even got one last weekend from the 'Cremation Society of Eastern - Central - Western Iowa'. If only they knew she was already ashes in a box on the family organ!

She got one for a sweepstakes entry a few weeks ago, all I could do was giggle, like if my sister and I sent it in and that would be the one time mom ever won. I can almost hear the conversation on trying to collect...
~~~~~
Sweepstakes: Is Mary there please?
Me: May I say who's calling?
Sweepstakes: It's John Doe from Sweepstakes.
Me: I'm her daughter, can I give her a message?
Sweepstakes: Your mother, Mary has won the grand prize and we need to visit with her to get everything filed so she can claim it. Is there a convenient time to meet with Mary?
Me: Her schedule is pretty open, she's just tied up at the moment.
Sweepstakes: Is her address 1333 4th.......?
Me: Yes, that is correct.
Sweepstakes: Let's plan on Tuesday evening at 7 PM. If there would be a change please call me at 888-555-1212, my name is John Doe.
Me: Thank you, I will give her the message.
~~~~~
Tuesday evening 7 PM, the door bell rings, I greet John Doe from Sweepstakes and let him in.
~~~~~
Sweepstakes: Is Mary in tonight? I am here to help her fill out the paperwork for her to claim the grand prize.
Me: Yes, she is in. I walk over to the family organ and grab the box of ashes with her picture on it and present it to Mr. Doe.
Me: This is Mary, she hasn't been having the best of days, she kind of quite really.
Sweepstakes: This is Mary? A box?
Me: No, this is Mary, my mom, in the box. I proceed to open the box and show him the big bag of ashes.
Sweepstakes: So Mary is dead and cremated? You've got to be kidding me!!!! Mary entered the sweepstakes back in August.
Me: No, I am not kidding.
Sweepstakes: I'm sorry for your loss, but Mary needs to be living and breathing to claim her prize. When did she pass away?
Me: She died May 4th.
Sweepstakes: What you're telling me is that you entered the sweepstakes fraudulently under your mom's name?
Me: No, my sister and I entered the sweepstakes for mom, as you, bought her name off some mailing list after she died. Her mail was forwarded here for legitimate purposes to handle our mother's affairs after she died. Your company purchased her name with this new address off some list. Perhaps your company had better check on where it gets its supply of names and address. I wonder how many other dead people you mail things to.
Sweepstakes: Apparently there has been a mistake.
Me: No, no mistake on my end, please remove my mother from your mailing list. And you may wish to inform your mailing list purchasing department of this as well, so they can inform who they received it from.

I escort the very shocked and speechless John Doe from Sweepstakes out the front door. Dang that was fun!
~~~~~~~~

I think that mental scenario is humorous, although dealing with her junk mail at more times than not, brings on a bit of the grief heavier for a time. I miss her, I love her and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder why the heck she had to die and leave so much in confusion. The answers may never come, so I guess I will have to deal with it.... I love her, I can only pray that God will see me through this and even more so, that God will see my sister and Grandma through their grief as well.

Mom...

Here she is, Mom, with a smile, a sausage roll (check out the bangs) and her Bentley's Bawbar & More, Islamorada, Florida t-shirt. I laugh when I think of that little sausage roll. My sister and I did her hair for the viewing after she died. Well it was hard, her hair never cooperated well in life, why would it for her final appearance, but Wendy and I were able to get the little sausage roll to make its final appearance.

My aunt in pink, with mom, had come up for part of the day with two of her children, well young adult and adult children. It was a belated gathering for Christmas (early January), impromptu due to a lovely break in the weather.

Family was always important to mom, she loved completely and utterly unconditionally. I am just not so sure if she knew how much she was the glue to the different personalities within our family.


Mom was the sounding board who would listen patiently, give advice with or without solicitation... that's what mom's do, but mostly she would just love and talk me through my own throughts at times. She was my biggest cheerleader and greatest fan.

I miss Mom a lot, but I know in that fact, I am not alone. Anyone who knew Mom and loved her, is missing her now. One life leaves such a huge hole.

a Molly moment...

I had a 'Molly moment'. I love the movie "Molly"... see here (and I don't care what the other reviewer says, it was a good movie). In it Molly believes that you need to be honest and just scream.

Tonight was my turn. I utterly lost it. Too many calls from Grandma, too many 'sob' stories from my sister, too much pressure... the pressure release valuve ...my mouth, opened and closed 4 times and a lovely scream... nearly high pitched enough to be a shreak. Too bad I hadn't come into contact with this portion of me sooner, I could have been a screamer for some scary movie in Hollywood. I think I missed my calling. It wasn't until the neighbor lady who has 4 unruley kids came outside looking to see if the scream came from one of her children, did I pull back into reality and my responsible mode. I went right outside to tell her it was me, not her children and yes, I was "okay" (however, you'd like to define that, living, breathing works for now).

I love my family. I like my job. I just hate my life at the present.

I will survive, I will go on, He hasn't taken me home yet, so there must be something for me to do here, aside from feeling like I'm going insane.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
too much silence
from a heart that lay oceans away
too many unanswered calls
from a phone that rings on the otherside of the world
too many questions, concerns and worries
not enough faith or trust
lots of love, but is it enough?

seni seviyorum

Empty!

The unit is empty, save for some sweeping that needs done, not just really, just want to besure I get my deposit back. Funny how once decisions are made others try to superimpose their decision or call to a judgement of sorts upon what decisions were made.

Crying in public isn't really my cup of tea, but it happens, so I'll deal with it... and so will the others. I nearly did it again today when the guys from the auction house picked up the organ and the hutch and then nearly again at the Kum & Go afterwards.

Now the next step is to just figure out the litter of mom's stuff that floats around the house. For me the wonder is will my sister find the time or should I say make time or will my house be litter for a few more months. My own house is driving me nuts due to the 'litter' of boxes and totes and then just my normal clutter stuff.

The end...

...of the storage unit is nearly here!

The storage unit that we rented for mom's stuff is nearly cleared out and I am thankful. It's been many long, hard hours, some drudging through poinent memories that bring grief to the surface, some moments that brought exquisite anger, raging feelings of missing mom and even some thoughts of "mom, I wanna kill ya, but you're already dead". All that is left "in the unit" is the electric organ and a hutch, both apparently hard to find homes for.

Please don't mistake the unit being cleared out as to having all of mom's stuff sorted out and gone through. Oh, NO... there's still boxes and plastic totes that litter the house, mosty paper and pictures, but still new homes need found or new manners of expression for these memories. Maybe we should ship it all to my brother in California! Naaaa.... what fun would that be. Besides, he'll get his own box for him and his son of all kinds of things interesting and tell-tale!!!!!!!

Mom on her 59th birthday, March 17, 2006.

I try not to think or hope too hard on the fact that I wish for life to calm down a bit more. My 84 year old Grandma has been having a hard time of her own, she's fallen down (thankfully nothing broken), can't leave without help (no car now, she sold it in late June) and is lonely. So much does my heart go out to her, it has to be rough, loosing 2 of your 3 children and the 3rd one, not visiting much or basically having much at all to do with you. Makes me furious, but alas, there is nothing I can do about it. I try, I write my aunt, try talking to her in emails, but no response.

When it comes to Grammy, I can choose (and do choose always) to love her, no matter how much she drives me nuts at times (read often).

To me that's family. You love them to with your whole heart, even during the moments you wish you could just throw them (or jump yourself) into a hole or perhaps staple, hot glue or duct tape their mouths shut and run away.

Esther's rose... a shining example of God's love.

God's Word says He won't give us any more than we can bear (when it comes to trials, tribulations, and the like). I believe it. I also believe He likes to take us the edge, where there's a "one last straw" before we break. I believe also it is for growth (a very good thing) and not to break our spirit, although lately it feels like I'm broken. God loves us... God loves you and God loves me and He never will harm us. I just forget to look at my Source of strength a lot, especially in the past 3.5 months.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love has left a silence that speaks but from the heart
where nothing can over come it,
not life, not death, nor dark,
love a fondness of memory,
tears not silently shed
love
break the silence,
quiet the ache
love
a strong and fragile offering
my love

Well the "hostage" situation has ended.

We got mom's ashes paid for and into the family's possession. Currently I have them. Not sure where she is going to go, so for now, she will be shared, joint custody with my sister. Not sure that my brother would want her ashes out with him and his family. Might be a bit hard for my nephew to understand.

Humor adds much to the tolerance of grief.

Thus...

Mom went on a road trip this weekend after we "sprung" her from being a hostage at the funeral home. Okay, so it's weird, but who cares, it's an object, not mom, not really, and it's not disrespect. We loved her and we miss her. Mostly as I said, humor adds much tolerance to grief. Mom would have liked us laughing more, and crying less... and yes, even at the "expense" of her ashes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
within my heart
so far away
it beats on
there is no wrong
not within the heart
where love resides

a song of heart
crumbling as though to break
shatters
splinters
fractures

a look up
a look within
a comforting grasp
a peace
from Him

Minutes make hours, hours make days and days come together into months... yesterday was a month without mom. Her death has brought a closeness with family I never knew possible, but levels of stress at times that are hard to bear. And now there is my grandmother's health that is questionable and my sister and I are nearly at wits end as to what to do now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My heart is too far from me and out of my grasp by phone or every other method of communication. I love and miss him so. To run to him I wish I could, for not my comfort alone, but to ease his heart at this time, with his family. Ich liebe dich!