Cyclones lost, but by no means am I going to be ashamed of the darn good game that they played. :o)

Fall Fest ... Iowa State vs Iowa ... Mom

Today is Fall Fest here in my hometown. I am not feeling to festive, may not go, besides there's a game I'd rather spend time with friends and watch...

Today is the ever rival Iowa State vs. Iowa. I hope you have no wonders who I am cheering for. Cheering is always more fun when you have a friend who is on the opposite side cheering for the oponent.


I miss mom so very much, life is overwhelming most days. The okay days are still very few and far between. It's hard to imagine she's been dead for 4 months and 12 days today. There are still so many things to deal with on all levels.

Currently, the "humourous" one is that mom gets more junk mail at my house than I do. She even got one last weekend from the 'Cremation Society of Eastern - Central - Western Iowa'. If only they knew she was already ashes in a box on the family organ!

She got one for a sweepstakes entry a few weeks ago, all I could do was giggle, like if my sister and I sent it in and that would be the one time mom ever won. I can almost hear the conversation on trying to collect...
~~~~~
Sweepstakes: Is Mary there please?
Me: May I say who's calling?
Sweepstakes: It's John Doe from Sweepstakes.
Me: I'm her daughter, can I give her a message?
Sweepstakes: Your mother, Mary has won the grand prize and we need to visit with her to get everything filed so she can claim it. Is there a convenient time to meet with Mary?
Me: Her schedule is pretty open, she's just tied up at the moment.
Sweepstakes: Is her address 1333 4th.......?
Me: Yes, that is correct.
Sweepstakes: Let's plan on Tuesday evening at 7 PM. If there would be a change please call me at 888-555-1212, my name is John Doe.
Me: Thank you, I will give her the message.
~~~~~
Tuesday evening 7 PM, the door bell rings, I greet John Doe from Sweepstakes and let him in.
~~~~~
Sweepstakes: Is Mary in tonight? I am here to help her fill out the paperwork for her to claim the grand prize.
Me: Yes, she is in. I walk over to the family organ and grab the box of ashes with her picture on it and present it to Mr. Doe.
Me: This is Mary, she hasn't been having the best of days, she kind of quite really.
Sweepstakes: This is Mary? A box?
Me: No, this is Mary, my mom, in the box. I proceed to open the box and show him the big bag of ashes.
Sweepstakes: So Mary is dead and cremated? You've got to be kidding me!!!! Mary entered the sweepstakes back in August.
Me: No, I am not kidding.
Sweepstakes: I'm sorry for your loss, but Mary needs to be living and breathing to claim her prize. When did she pass away?
Me: She died May 4th.
Sweepstakes: What you're telling me is that you entered the sweepstakes fraudulently under your mom's name?
Me: No, my sister and I entered the sweepstakes for mom, as you, bought her name off some mailing list after she died. Her mail was forwarded here for legitimate purposes to handle our mother's affairs after she died. Your company purchased her name with this new address off some list. Perhaps your company had better check on where it gets its supply of names and address. I wonder how many other dead people you mail things to.
Sweepstakes: Apparently there has been a mistake.
Me: No, no mistake on my end, please remove my mother from your mailing list. And you may wish to inform your mailing list purchasing department of this as well, so they can inform who they received it from.

I escort the very shocked and speechless John Doe from Sweepstakes out the front door. Dang that was fun!
~~~~~~~~

I think that mental scenario is humorous, although dealing with her junk mail at more times than not, brings on a bit of the grief heavier for a time. I miss her, I love her and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder why the heck she had to die and leave so much in confusion. The answers may never come, so I guess I will have to deal with it.... I love her, I can only pray that God will see me through this and even more so, that God will see my sister and Grandma through their grief as well.

Mom...

Here she is, Mom, with a smile, a sausage roll (check out the bangs) and her Bentley's Bawbar & More, Islamorada, Florida t-shirt. I laugh when I think of that little sausage roll. My sister and I did her hair for the viewing after she died. Well it was hard, her hair never cooperated well in life, why would it for her final appearance, but Wendy and I were able to get the little sausage roll to make its final appearance.

My aunt in pink, with mom, had come up for part of the day with two of her children, well young adult and adult children. It was a belated gathering for Christmas (early January), impromptu due to a lovely break in the weather.

Family was always important to mom, she loved completely and utterly unconditionally. I am just not so sure if she knew how much she was the glue to the different personalities within our family.


Mom was the sounding board who would listen patiently, give advice with or without solicitation... that's what mom's do, but mostly she would just love and talk me through my own throughts at times. She was my biggest cheerleader and greatest fan.

I miss Mom a lot, but I know in that fact, I am not alone. Anyone who knew Mom and loved her, is missing her now. One life leaves such a huge hole.

a Molly moment...

I had a 'Molly moment'. I love the movie "Molly"... see here (and I don't care what the other reviewer says, it was a good movie). In it Molly believes that you need to be honest and just scream.

Tonight was my turn. I utterly lost it. Too many calls from Grandma, too many 'sob' stories from my sister, too much pressure... the pressure release valuve ...my mouth, opened and closed 4 times and a lovely scream... nearly high pitched enough to be a shreak. Too bad I hadn't come into contact with this portion of me sooner, I could have been a screamer for some scary movie in Hollywood. I think I missed my calling. It wasn't until the neighbor lady who has 4 unruley kids came outside looking to see if the scream came from one of her children, did I pull back into reality and my responsible mode. I went right outside to tell her it was me, not her children and yes, I was "okay" (however, you'd like to define that, living, breathing works for now).

I love my family. I like my job. I just hate my life at the present.

I will survive, I will go on, He hasn't taken me home yet, so there must be something for me to do here, aside from feeling like I'm going insane.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
too much silence
from a heart that lay oceans away
too many unanswered calls
from a phone that rings on the otherside of the world
too many questions, concerns and worries
not enough faith or trust
lots of love, but is it enough?

seni seviyorum

Empty!

The unit is empty, save for some sweeping that needs done, not just really, just want to besure I get my deposit back. Funny how once decisions are made others try to superimpose their decision or call to a judgement of sorts upon what decisions were made.

Crying in public isn't really my cup of tea, but it happens, so I'll deal with it... and so will the others. I nearly did it again today when the guys from the auction house picked up the organ and the hutch and then nearly again at the Kum & Go afterwards.

Now the next step is to just figure out the litter of mom's stuff that floats around the house. For me the wonder is will my sister find the time or should I say make time or will my house be litter for a few more months. My own house is driving me nuts due to the 'litter' of boxes and totes and then just my normal clutter stuff.

The end...

...of the storage unit is nearly here!

The storage unit that we rented for mom's stuff is nearly cleared out and I am thankful. It's been many long, hard hours, some drudging through poinent memories that bring grief to the surface, some moments that brought exquisite anger, raging feelings of missing mom and even some thoughts of "mom, I wanna kill ya, but you're already dead". All that is left "in the unit" is the electric organ and a hutch, both apparently hard to find homes for.

Please don't mistake the unit being cleared out as to having all of mom's stuff sorted out and gone through. Oh, NO... there's still boxes and plastic totes that litter the house, mosty paper and pictures, but still new homes need found or new manners of expression for these memories. Maybe we should ship it all to my brother in California! Naaaa.... what fun would that be. Besides, he'll get his own box for him and his son of all kinds of things interesting and tell-tale!!!!!!!

Mom on her 59th birthday, March 17, 2006.

I try not to think or hope too hard on the fact that I wish for life to calm down a bit more. My 84 year old Grandma has been having a hard time of her own, she's fallen down (thankfully nothing broken), can't leave without help (no car now, she sold it in late June) and is lonely. So much does my heart go out to her, it has to be rough, loosing 2 of your 3 children and the 3rd one, not visiting much or basically having much at all to do with you. Makes me furious, but alas, there is nothing I can do about it. I try, I write my aunt, try talking to her in emails, but no response.

When it comes to Grammy, I can choose (and do choose always) to love her, no matter how much she drives me nuts at times (read often).

To me that's family. You love them to with your whole heart, even during the moments you wish you could just throw them (or jump yourself) into a hole or perhaps staple, hot glue or duct tape their mouths shut and run away.

Esther's rose... a shining example of God's love.

God's Word says He won't give us any more than we can bear (when it comes to trials, tribulations, and the like). I believe it. I also believe He likes to take us the edge, where there's a "one last straw" before we break. I believe also it is for growth (a very good thing) and not to break our spirit, although lately it feels like I'm broken. God loves us... God loves you and God loves me and He never will harm us. I just forget to look at my Source of strength a lot, especially in the past 3.5 months.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love has left a silence that speaks but from the heart
where nothing can over come it,
not life, not death, nor dark,
love a fondness of memory,
tears not silently shed
love
break the silence,
quiet the ache
love
a strong and fragile offering
my love

Well the "hostage" situation has ended.

We got mom's ashes paid for and into the family's possession. Currently I have them. Not sure where she is going to go, so for now, she will be shared, joint custody with my sister. Not sure that my brother would want her ashes out with him and his family. Might be a bit hard for my nephew to understand.

Humor adds much to the tolerance of grief.

Thus...

Mom went on a road trip this weekend after we "sprung" her from being a hostage at the funeral home. Okay, so it's weird, but who cares, it's an object, not mom, not really, and it's not disrespect. We loved her and we miss her. Mostly as I said, humor adds much tolerance to grief. Mom would have liked us laughing more, and crying less... and yes, even at the "expense" of her ashes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
within my heart
so far away
it beats on
there is no wrong
not within the heart
where love resides

a song of heart
crumbling as though to break
shatters
splinters
fractures

a look up
a look within
a comforting grasp
a peace
from Him

Minutes make hours, hours make days and days come together into months... yesterday was a month without mom. Her death has brought a closeness with family I never knew possible, but levels of stress at times that are hard to bear. And now there is my grandmother's health that is questionable and my sister and I are nearly at wits end as to what to do now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My heart is too far from me and out of my grasp by phone or every other method of communication. I love and miss him so. To run to him I wish I could, for not my comfort alone, but to ease his heart at this time, with his family. Ich liebe dich!

The Family "Pump" Organ

When we moved mom's things into storage this past weekend. The family organ was moved into it's new residence as well, my house. I cleaned it up and got the family tradition started again. I placed family pictures on the organ. One of the sweet memories is that when I was growing up, there would always be my sister, brother and my school pictures on the organ along with various other family pictures. Then come Christmas, stockings would get hung from the knobs on the place where the candles are. It's good to have the organ out again.

The organ has spent too many years in storage and unseen. It is good to have it out again to be able to enjoy, if only to look at it. I tested the organ and it works, all but one key, which has had issues with not working well all my life. I don't think the stoppers are working as they should, but it still makes beautiful sound... at least to my ears. I think the sound is sweetened by all the memories.

Take the stool for instance, there is a cross piece that isn't original, but it was carved by my grandpa as a replacement. I think about the foot pedals, look at how worn they are from hours of playing and pumping. How it must have been enjoyed so much more than I could ever know.

It doesn't really seem to be getting much easier. Not really. Yesterday we moved all of mom's things into storage. It was something I had to do mostly without thinking. Now there is just the sorting through of all the items and deciding what to do with them.

Today's been a day that I've missed her so greatly. She was my greatest encourager of my dreams, my biggest cheerleader and comforter, here on earth. Today I've wished her here for such reasons as these. I will have to do the only thing I can do, press into God.

In loving memory of Mom

Mom

March 17, 1947 - May 4, 2006

I love you!

Cindy Kay


Something I wrote:

Mom

A daughters view of her mother, as a little child she knows everything; she is the center of the universe, as a teen, well mom knows absolutely nothing. It’s only in the years as an adult that a daughter realizes the wisdom of her mother.

It took me many years to know and appreciate the wisdom of my mom.

I’ve been thinking, “What had mom taught me over the years?”

She taught me my colors:
Yellow, yellow, kiss your fellow
Blue, blue, I love you
White, white, pretty and bright

She taught me pants go on one leg at a time.

Mom taught me to serve others, by showing me.

Mom taught me to love music, even country music; although I of course rebelled against it in my teen years… she gave me a great appreciation for most all kinds of music.

She taught me how strong her shoulders were when I needed them for tears.

She taught me that living now is what is important and worry, should be banned from the dictionary… in other words ‘quit worrying’.

Mom taught me that good friends just may take your picture during incriminating moments, like when you put a doily on your head.

She taught me that love lives in the heart, irregardless of bodily location or distance apart.

She taught me that family isn’t about the blood that is shared, but about hearts that connect.

Mom taught me that deep love can bring deep sorrow.

Mom taught me her love.

~~~~~~~~~~~
The picture was taken Wednesday May 3rd and it is little "Moaner" in her arms. Only God could have orchestrated me taking my digital camera on a night when I don't normally go and visit mom, when I normally forget my camera when I do visit... only God.

It's been too long, life has a way of going on and keeping busy. Oh, well, that's life. I thought I would try and post more often, more things and keep up, but it hasn't happened. So I pick up and go on from here. Today is a new day... well a new evening anyhow.

Hi, Hi!

Been a few days, wow, time flies!!! The past 9 days have been intersting. I went on my business trip early, Tuesday afternoon to Overland Park, Kansas and got home in the evening on Thursday. With the fact that I accidentally grabbed 2 shirts to workout in, instead of pants and shirt, I didn't get any workouts on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I took off to recouperate... haha... gotta cut yourself some slack at times.

Saturday was a 25 minute elliptical trip and some leg work. Sunday off. We celebrated my sissy's birthday, which was actually yesterday, Valentine's day. She went up on Monday to spend some time with her honey and got back yesterday. Well this morning, being the sneaky (at least I try sometimes) sister that I am, I took some balloons into her at work. Being a milestone birthday, she can't get by without some embarassment, now can she?!!!!!!

Thus far this week I've done 25 minuts on the elliptical daily and Tuesday I did an upperbody. But boy this waking up at the dead of night is for the birds... okay not the birds, for the moon, that's it. Well soon it's off to bed, got to catch up some.

~~~~~~~
missing, wishing, dreaming, scheming and loving from here to there
not more than a hearts beat, when I close my eyes or when you speak
a future to plan, but not in our hands alone
loving, wishing a hug or a simple hand hold

Saturday I did went to the gym and I upped my elliptical to 19 minutes. The experts are right, I not only feel better physically, but emotionally I am also affected.

Sunday was a no-workout day, unless you count shopping. Went to church and then 4 of us gals from work got together and went to a couple of quilt shops that were having superbowl sales. Oh, it was a blast. So much fabric and not enough time, especially when you factor all the other things I do into my daily life.

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning the Superbowl and a game well played to the Seattle Seahawks. If you make it to the Superbowl, not matter if you win there or not, you're still a winner.

Today: 19 min elliptical

Happy Saturday

It's a happy Saturday, because I live and breathe, have a job and can celebrate the 2 day break from it... called the weekend. It's a bitter cold day today, but the sun is shining brightly. Gone is our 40-some day stretch of warmer than normal temperatures and we are back to normal. Only funny thing, since it was so warm this "normal" feels soooooo much colder than normal. Guess it's all relative to what one is used to. Kind of like in the fall when the temps move into the 50s or 60s everyone says it's freezing, but come spring and those same temperatures are lovely and warm. Humans are wierd creatures.


The postal service never ceases to amaze me. I sent something out today to Turkey and to send it 'economy', which is a 4 to 6 week trip by boat and land it would have cost me more (okay only 40 cents more) than to send it by first class, air. In which he will receive it in 5 to 7 days, providing the Turkish postal system is cooperative. It's supposed to be a *surprise*, but since it's international, I always tell him it's coming, but not what's in it. So it's still fun.


I have felt better this week than I have in a while. I finally got my backside to the gym again after a long (too long) hiatus from it. I must say it's a good thing, although at moments some body parts aren't so agreeable to that. And although the elliptical (or cross-trainer or whatever you wish to call it) is challenging, I like it better than the treadmill for the cardio workout. Not quite so boring. I have a couple of cassettes that I throw into my walkman that I absolutely love!!!!!!!!!!! They keep me motivated. One is a group called 'Divinity', they are awesome, 3 sisters singing about God. They are so real, there is even a salvation prayer on it. The other group, Zoe Girl is great. My only "fear" is that soon I will wear out the tapes and then what will I do to keep motivated on the elliptical?

Tuesday was a humbling experience for me, as sometimes I let pride get in the way of things. I went to the gym location downtown, with my cardkey to get in, all the treadmills were full, the bikes were mostly being used and my cardkey would not work. So I had to go to the main facilities and face one of the managers (co-owner too I believe). To see him after not having been to the gym was almost scary, here he is all buff and in shape and me.. ha! And seeing him also reminded me of why I loved the gym (well one reason), is the encouragement he and the other staff give. They care.

It may not seem like much to some, but for me, not having been to the gym, being out of shape, it's pretty good. I logged 15 minutes on the elliptical both Tuesday and Wednesday and then 17 minutes on it for both Thursday and Friday. Today, I'm going to shoot for 19 and perhaps some weight training. So I gotta fly now and change and get myself there.

It is so hard to believe another month is over. Today the last day of January in this new year. How is it that time goes faster as we age? I know time does not change in that manner, but it so appears to in the depths of experience. It seems like yesterday and an eternity that March 2, 2005 happened, and yet it is but a couple days shy of a year in real time. Guess it's time to get going on the year, to savor each moment, to learn from all and to grow from each, good or bad.
----

I heard a song recently that I really like and really fits...

I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You
sung by: Bryan Adams

Oceans apart, day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice, on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
how can we say forever

(chorus)
Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here, waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all The times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh can't you see it baby,
You've got me going crazy

(chorus)

I wonder how we can survive, this romance
But in the end if I'm with you, I'll take the chance

Oh you can't see it baby
You've got me going crazy

(chorus)

I found the lyrics here.
-----------

It fits because I am so missing a part of me and this is all I can do right now, wait. Wait until all the 'ducks are in a row' and then action, I pray will follow the words of the place that beats within.

Winter Wool...

I'm so excited. I got my wool from the 'winter wool swap' over at Crochetville. My swap partner got me some very beautiful yarn from over at knitpicks. I got 12 skeins, 4 of each cherry blossom, blueberry and cranberry. The color are so rich and absolutely gorgeous!!! Now it's a what to do???????????

Thank you Juli!!!!

In memory of Garry

A little bit earlier tonight I found out that my friend who was in the accident last month, went home to the Lord last night. Having a friend die is a mixture of joy and sorrow, especially Garry. Garry is in the best place there ever could be, in God's presence. Garry was such a Godly man. He reflected God so very much. What Garry has gained in going Home, we have lost here.

Garry always had a smile on his face, joy in his heart and a joke or several that easily rolled off his tongue. Even while he when he endured twenty some years on dialysis waiting for a kidney and then even more joy and so much thanks when he received one on Christmas eve a few years back.

I met Garry in the drama troupe at church. I can just imagine Garry now, in the presence of God and he's probably got some joke or mime he's performing. God blessed Garry with a lot of talent and a huge heart. The drama troupe will not be the same without him, for he truly blessed me, he truly blessed us all. And like the 'brother' in Christ that he was to me, he teased me so much... I will miss that too.

God will have to find a way to heal the hurt that is there from the loss, for no one could replace. I wouldn't even want that.

Okay Garry, I'll see you in a 'little while' behave will ya!

A project for myself

As any one who has ever done artwork or hand work of some kind knows, something for yourself is always last on the list of projects to do, let alone complete. This is a project I decided to do for me, take it 6 months or 6 years to complete (*gasp* I hope not).

I am working on it as a 'crochet-along' at Crochetville.org. The pattern is called "Scripture Afghan - 24 pattern stitches inspired by the Bible". I've only gotten about 9.5 squares done (of my 121 needed to fit my bed). Below is just a sampling of those squares (i.e. the ones I could get pics of so far).

Block 1 - Honeycomb

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healthy to the bones." Proverbs 16:24


Block 2 - Crosses

"The God of our fathers raised up Jesus, whom you had put to death by hanging Him on a cross." Acts 5:30


Block 15 - Flame

"And after forty years had passed, an angel appeared to him in the wilderness of Mount Sinai, in the flame of a burning thorn bush." Acts 7:30


Block 22 - Angel

"For He will give His angels charge conserning you, to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11


A couple of the blocks were a slight challenge, like #5, the star stitch. Having never done it, it got the best of me for a few half blocks and half block rip-outs.

My goal is to get this afghan whipped by the end of 2006. It may seem a long time to get this done, but that's just to think as if this were all I do for my crochet/knitting/craft work. Let's not forget the 2 shawls, granny square a month (actually 2) and then any babies born, birthdays that need presents and holidays that will come up. Oh and then warm weather, which always makes me step aside the larger projects and any projects at times for the warmer weather.

Imagine walking into a home and seeing this guy. He's just a snarling at you, as if at any moment he would chase you and have you for dinner. However, Ernie is dead and has been mounted (psssst... those are false teeth).

Of course it wouldn't be such a strange sight if I said it was also a taxidermist shop, now would it. Ernie is a black bear that was shot and mounted by mom's boyfriend. He has become a member of the family, he wears hats, santa hats and even once after a hawaiian themed wedding he wore a lei for a while. Infact to take this picture, I had to remove a Christmas ornament that was dangling from his lower right tooth. I just didn't think he would be taken seriously with a santa hanging there.

There is no rhyme or reason as to why I am introducing Ernie here, other than I wanted to test my new digital camera and Ernie was a captive audience you might say.

And now that I have a digital camera, I suspect I will be posting more pictures.... especially to share some of my crafting, mostly crochet at this time.